Another anniversary without you.  
My heart aches.

This is for my beloved.  Though he is no longer on this earth, these words will find their way to him.


The Things I Meant To Say
by Thomas Beechey

It seems that lately all I have spinning 'round my head 
Are all the itty bitty things I never ever said 
So many times I wanted to and countless times I tried 
But who knows why? It seems I kept them locked inside 
Days turned to weeks then months and years soon a lifetime passed 
And what remains are endless tears instead of smiles to last 
Oh I'd give everything I had for another day 
To hold you close and whisper those things I meant to say.

I meant to say "Good morning" each time you awoke;
I meant to say "How are you" whenever we spoke 
I meant to say "You're special" when no one seemed to care;
I meant to say "I thank you" for being there 
I meant to say "I'll help you" no matter what the task;
I meant to say "I'll listen" to each question you'd ask 
I meant to say "You helped me" for answers you'd give;
I meant to say "Cause of you" for reasons that I live.

So many things I meant to say but something always got in the way 
Now no one's here to hear a word and so these things will not be heard 
But they echo daily in my mind and so I find myself resigned 
To listen as my conscience sings these intended but unuttered things.

I meant to say "I'm sorry" when I was wrong;
I meant to say "Don't worry" when roads ahead seemed long 
I meant to say "I'll lead you" when you couldn't find the road;
I meant to say "I'll take it" when you couldn't bear the load 
I meant to say nothing at all each time I'd complain;
I meant to say "I'll shield you" from every drop of rain 
I meant to say "Forgive me" for each tear you'd cry;
I meant to say "Give me one chance to tell you why."

So many things I meant to say but something always got in the way 
Now no one's here to hear a word and so these things will not be heard 
What was I thinking? Why'd I wait? I know it now but now's too late 
My heart lies bare with broken strings atop a mound of voiceless things.

I meant to say "I'll find it" when all you sought was time;
I meant to say "I'll pull you" over each uphill climb 
I meant to say "Take my hand" as each road began to slant;
I meant to say "Yes you can" when you said you can't 
I meant to say "We did it" as we passed each test;
I meant to say "It's over" when we'd find time to rest 
I meant to say "Here's the key" to secrets I keep;
I meant to say "Dream sweetly" as you closed your eyes to sleep.

So many things I meant to say but something always got in the way 
Now no one's here to hear a word and so these things will not be heard 
Except by me from the morning sun until the day is finally done 
Yes now you're gone and each day brings to mind these never-spoken things.

It seems that lately all I have rolling through my brain 
Are all the teeny weeny things I'll never say again 
The things I should have said to the one I was with 
And all those misspent moments that have faded into myth 
So many things I meant to say but something always got in the way 
Now no one's here to hear a word and so these things will not be heard 
Sometimes at night your name I'll call to a faded frame on a shaded wall ---
I meant to say "I love you"
I meant to say "I love you"
I meant to say "I love you"...
And that one hurts the most of all.

Author....Thomas Beechey
2005

I thought I would give you 100 Things About Me. It seems to be a popular thing to do. So here it is... far more information than you ever wanted to know about me in one post!

1. No one I know “in real life” knows that I write this blog – and I prefer to keep it that way.
2. It takes me a long time before I feel truly comfortable with someone.
3. I like to have a fan on when I’m sleeping.
4. I wish I had a better concept of my computer and how it works.
5. I hate making phone calls, which is comical as that used to be a priority of my job description.
6. I have had a lesbian encounter. It was not so bad. 
7. My aunt really dislikes my mother (her sister).  I believe its because my Mom moved out of state after she married my dad. My Aunt was left to take care of their mother.
8. I wish I had more independence these days to go and do what I want.
9. I love my children and grandchildren.  I miss them very much
10. I'm a Sagittarius, although that doesn’t mean much to me – I don’t believe my astrological sign describes me any more than any of the other astrological signs would.
11. I generally don’t like action movies, prefer romance.
12. I never went to college.
13. I was basically a happy person.  When did it change?
14. I miss my beloved husband so much.
15. I have very few pictures from my childhood.
16. I don’t like the way I look so I hate it when people take my picture. I am not photogenic.
17. I watch Grey's Anatomy religiously. I know, I know - I’m a horrible person!
18. I want to go back to school eventually. 
19. I'm not an avid reader and yet I love books.
20. I believe in God, but I sometimes feel that all life is connected in some spiritual form.
21. I like diet soda because it's not as heavy and syrupy as regular soda.  Love Diet Dr. Pepper.
22. I love the smell of popcorn and the taste.  I can eat a whole bag by myself.
23. I loved school.
24. I don’t use now, but have tried illegal drugs.
25. I don't smoke but have tried cigarettes.  Tried 'Magic' and clove type.
26. The smell of cigarette smoke makes me feel like I'm going to throw up now.
27. I love using my laptop – a laptop feels like freedom.
28. I usually feel very awkward around people. I still feel awkward around some of the people I’ve known for years.
29. I can’t stand inconsiderate drivers.
30. I love reading people’s 100 Things About Me lists.
31. I love to brush my teeth.  
32. I hate Oreo cookies because they taste burned and make my teeth black. Also hate black licorice for the same reason.
33. Someday I want to take a road trip across the country.
34. The first time I got drunk I was 15. My sister thought it would be okay if I drank with her.
35. I drink alcohol occasionally. I consider myself a social alcoholic.  
36. I’m not an alcoholic anymore thanks to my beloved. 
37. I have driven home drunk. I am thankful I was lucky and had no accidents that hurt someone else.  Just my poor car.
38. A lot of people in my family have major addiction issues.
39. I’m addicted to food… and we’re not talking about being addicted to fruits and veggies – it’s the bad stuff I crave.
40. I’m very intimidated by super intelligent people.
41. I was raised by wolves.  Just checking to see if you are paying attention.
42. I loved my blue Firebird.  It was just so ME!
43. I generally feel like I have no clue what's happening in the world even though I try to pay attention - sometimes it gets to be too much though.
44. When my husband died I wrote him a letter and put it in his casket. I'm afraid I didn't say everything that I needed to say.
45. Being around people generally wears me out.
46. I love television and I wish there were more good shows on.
47. I love my brothers and my sister.
48. I hate wearing shoes.
49. I’m pretty much a veggie-lover… I like the basics – green beans, lettuce, corn and potatoes. Brussell sprouts are gross.
50. I do love to cook.  I’m good at cooking, not so much with baking.
51. Most of the time I never actually prepare a menu.
52. My biggest mistake was bombing my first marriage.  I am still in love with my ex.
53. My ex knows I still love him, but he doesn't realize how much.
54. I love to fly and travel.
55. I have lived with depression a very long time.  (See # 13)
56. The most recurring dream I have is when I am with someone I love. Every time we get to the point of making love....I wake up.  Dammit!
57. I miss my father everyday.
58. I love my ****** *****.
59. I’m afraid of heights.
60. I like snow when I can just sit inside and look at it as opposed to having to go outside and be in it.
61. I have low self-esteem.
62. When I was younger my favorite movie was Mrs. Doubtfire – I watched it over and over and over.
63. When I was a kid I went to Sunday School and I loved learning the Beattitudes.
64. I like most tattoos. I want more tattoos!
65. I can very accurately be described as “a procrastinator”.
66. I feel very strongly that if I could draw, my life would be far easier
67. I have a “secret” word.
68. My best friend is my sister.
70. I love going to museums.  I like to go alone so I can savor them and not have to share my time while there.
71. My hair should be blonde.  I want to have more fun.
72. Thunderstorms excite me. We had special memories watching them from out front porch.
73. My first crush was on a teacher when I was in 7th grade. I used to try really hard to impress him. Unfortunately, I failed that English class.
74. The first time I had sex, I was ** years old.
75. I love my dog.  
76. It drives me crazy when people get a pet and then a couple months later give it to the humane society (or just take it out to the middle of nowhere and drop it off) for some stupid ass reason that really, they were just too lazy to deal with.
77. Fall is my favorite season.  The change of leaves reminds me of someone special.
78. I have always wanted to be a teacher. 
79. I used to love to write.  I have many notebooks with bits and pieces of creativity.
80. I used to eat fried bologna sandwiches with mustard and pickles on toast.
81. My favorite channel is TLC.
82. I love 
83. I have lived in 3 states, now trying the state of euphoria.
84. I hate moving!  It sucks to have to pack!
85. I have a secret desire draw.
86. I’m not so good with making a budget and sticking to it.
87. I don’t wear makeup as much as I used to.
88. I’ve  seen Rocky Horror Picture Show at the theatre and have it on DVD.  I can do the "Time Warp".
89. I find that I can barely leave the house without having a panic attack sometimes.
90. I used to despise doing dishes, now I hate dusting more.
91. I do not drink milk.
92. I love to dance.  I wanted to be a dancer (not erotic type)
93. I am at least one of the top procrastinators you will ever know.
94. I spend way too much money.
95. I’m definitely not a republican, but I don’t call myself a true democrat either.
96. It really pisses me off when people don’t respect my privacy. I just can’t stand the idea of people going through my things. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable. If I want to share something with you I will, otherwise stay out of my stuff! Is that really so difficult for people to understand?

98.   Love Hidden Object Games.  Waste way too much time playing.

99.   Like cats, but I am allergic.

100.  Putting this list together was actually a lot easier than I anticipated.a

a lot easier than I anticipated.

Envy??

It was hard to believe that someone actually admires my ability to write.
I never thought that there would be something about me that this one would envy. I have always been on the side of watching her and wishing that I could have even one small iota of what she is able to accomplish.
I have watched the way a simple needle and thread and a slight piece of fabric has become something from a world of wonder.  Pieces of fabric that were once worn by a beloved family member turned into a beautiful quilt, a wonderful costume or a memory bear made with love.
Thru my life, very time I have tried any type of craft, it has looked like something from a child.  My attempt at jewelry making took a bad turn.  Never the polished sophistication that she has brought to the table.


I have watched in adoration how each and every thing she has attempted has been met with success.
How can she envy me when I am the one that wishes I could emulate her in just a small way.
How can I tell her how much I Love Her and that she is my best friend.
My sister, my sister, my sister.

This was another of those Cool Things from .......Another site.
This is not plagarism. 


I know I have seen it other place before and it needs to be shared.


Eight Gifts
That Don't Cost A Cent!

~THE GIFT OF LISTENING~ But, you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening. 

~THE GIFT OF AFFECTION~ Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends. 

~THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER~ Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you." 

~THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE~ It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note, or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life. 

~THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT~ A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super job," or "That was a wonderful meal", can make someone's day. 

~THE GIFT OF A FAVOR~ Every day, go out of your way to do something kind. 

~THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE~ There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others. 

~THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION~ The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone, really it's not that hard to say, "Hello" or "Thank You." 

And Don't Forget ~~ 

LOVE is A Gift We Can Give Every Day!!!

30 Day writing challenge

I found this writing challenge in another blog and decided to change it for my own  purpose.
So far.....I have not decided if I want it to be regarding the loss of my beloved husband or if I should make it one regarding the loss of my Mother's memory due to Alzeheimer's Disease.
I may just take the day off to think about it.................I will substitute the word Husband or Mother as I see fit.
30 days does not seem too long.
I check in  on my fish and pets on Facebook everyday and have been doing so for months.  So, what is each and every day to make some statement on this as well?
Some of the blogs I follow write whole segments of varied interest IN ONE DAY.  
(i.e. 'The Pioneer Woman')
How can they be so prolific and talented??
Me, I am lucky if I just write one sentence per day.


Oh well, I guess that is why this is going to be a challenge.


30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 1 - your favorite song
Day 2 - your favorite movie
Day 3 - your favorite television program
Day 4 - your favorite book
Day 5 - your favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of your favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

The List Below is an alternative for coping with a loss of a loved one:


Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your loved one, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your loved one's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

Perhaps Love (of) John Denver

Tonight I am watching a special PBS fundraiser that features  John Denver.
I seem to forget how much I do love his music until I hear it again
 Then, I just can't seem to get enough.
I start one song, then another and before I realize......time has passed and I end up with songs I "think" I have never heard before.
Of course, then I MUST go to YouTube or one of my Lyric sites and explore and expound on so many.
Oh the journeys for the heart.  Each seems to say the feelings of my emotions!
Each one brings memories.........
'Two Different Directions' is of the life with my Beloved Tim.
'Sunshine on My Shoulder' is always of  my Joanne. Throw in some Dan Fogelberg for her as well.
The list is endless....one for 'him' and this one for 'her' and then there is the baby and the pet and the Mother and of course there is a special one for the 'Father'.
On and on it goes until I am wrapped in the bubble of Colorado songs. The Eagle, the Mountain, the trees, the stream. 


I want to post so many here, but there are too, too many.
How to choose just one?
Perhaps Love says it the most: