Just Can't Get Started

I am having a real issue trying to get into the Holiday spirit this year.  
I have not sent out any cards and I may not send them at all.
I finally brought up the Christmas decorations, but here they sit.  The boxes and tins where I store them are now sitting in the middle of the room.  
This is what my house would look like if I had the energy and the will to do it up right.





I have not bought any presents, or baked any kind of treats.
What is even worse, I am having all the family over on Christmas day.


Oh well, I know I will pull it off again like I do every year.
Last minute, but I seem to do so under pressure.


Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all.

It has been 2 years since my Beloved Tim passed away.


"Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will see each other again".    Author Unknown


At first, I was very sceptical to even think this could be true.  How could anyone know what I was feeling or the sorrow and grief that has invaded my life?
Slowly, even after 2 years without you it is hard to accept.  
I still question why you were taken from me when we still had so much to do together and to learn about each other. 
I get angry for the things you didn't do as much as I am mad at myself for not doing more for us in the time you were here.  


I have so much guilt and it all reverts back to the poem, "The Things I Meant to Say".


I have just finished reading the book, "Heaven is Real by Todd and Sonja Burpo.  There are so many references to Jesus and the Bible that it helps me to know that we will be together again.
I have also read, "The five People you meet in Heaven" and it also gives me thoughts for believing.

All I really know is My heart still aches.

Another anniversary without you.  
My heart aches.

This is for my beloved.  Though he is no longer on this earth, these words will find their way to him.


The Things I Meant To Say
by Thomas Beechey

It seems that lately all I have spinning 'round my head 
Are all the itty bitty things I never ever said 
So many times I wanted to and countless times I tried 
But who knows why? It seems I kept them locked inside 
Days turned to weeks then months and years soon a lifetime passed 
And what remains are endless tears instead of smiles to last 
Oh I'd give everything I had for another day 
To hold you close and whisper those things I meant to say.

I meant to say "Good morning" each time you awoke;
I meant to say "How are you" whenever we spoke 
I meant to say "You're special" when no one seemed to care;
I meant to say "I thank you" for being there 
I meant to say "I'll help you" no matter what the task;
I meant to say "I'll listen" to each question you'd ask 
I meant to say "You helped me" for answers you'd give;
I meant to say "Cause of you" for reasons that I live.

So many things I meant to say but something always got in the way 
Now no one's here to hear a word and so these things will not be heard 
But they echo daily in my mind and so I find myself resigned 
To listen as my conscience sings these intended but unuttered things.

I meant to say "I'm sorry" when I was wrong;
I meant to say "Don't worry" when roads ahead seemed long 
I meant to say "I'll lead you" when you couldn't find the road;
I meant to say "I'll take it" when you couldn't bear the load 
I meant to say nothing at all each time I'd complain;
I meant to say "I'll shield you" from every drop of rain 
I meant to say "Forgive me" for each tear you'd cry;
I meant to say "Give me one chance to tell you why."

So many things I meant to say but something always got in the way 
Now no one's here to hear a word and so these things will not be heard 
What was I thinking? Why'd I wait? I know it now but now's too late 
My heart lies bare with broken strings atop a mound of voiceless things.

I meant to say "I'll find it" when all you sought was time;
I meant to say "I'll pull you" over each uphill climb 
I meant to say "Take my hand" as each road began to slant;
I meant to say "Yes you can" when you said you can't 
I meant to say "We did it" as we passed each test;
I meant to say "It's over" when we'd find time to rest 
I meant to say "Here's the key" to secrets I keep;
I meant to say "Dream sweetly" as you closed your eyes to sleep.

So many things I meant to say but something always got in the way 
Now no one's here to hear a word and so these things will not be heard 
Except by me from the morning sun until the day is finally done 
Yes now you're gone and each day brings to mind these never-spoken things.

It seems that lately all I have rolling through my brain 
Are all the teeny weeny things I'll never say again 
The things I should have said to the one I was with 
And all those misspent moments that have faded into myth 
So many things I meant to say but something always got in the way 
Now no one's here to hear a word and so these things will not be heard 
Sometimes at night your name I'll call to a faded frame on a shaded wall ---
I meant to say "I love you"
I meant to say "I love you"
I meant to say "I love you"...
And that one hurts the most of all.

Author....Thomas Beechey
2005

I thought I would give you 100 Things About Me. It seems to be a popular thing to do. So here it is... far more information than you ever wanted to know about me in one post!

1. No one I know “in real life” knows that I write this blog – and I prefer to keep it that way.
2. It takes me a long time before I feel truly comfortable with someone.
3. I like to have a fan on when I’m sleeping.
4. I wish I had a better concept of my computer and how it works.
5. I hate making phone calls, which is comical as that used to be a priority of my job description.
6. I have had a lesbian encounter. It was not so bad. 
7. My aunt really dislikes my mother (her sister).  I believe its because my Mom moved out of state after she married my dad. My Aunt was left to take care of their mother.
8. I wish I had more independence these days to go and do what I want.
9. I love my children and grandchildren.  I miss them very much
10. I'm a Sagittarius, although that doesn’t mean much to me – I don’t believe my astrological sign describes me any more than any of the other astrological signs would.
11. I generally don’t like action movies, prefer romance.
12. I never went to college.
13. I was basically a happy person.  When did it change?
14. I miss my beloved husband so much.
15. I have very few pictures from my childhood.
16. I don’t like the way I look so I hate it when people take my picture. I am not photogenic.
17. I watch Grey's Anatomy religiously. I know, I know - I’m a horrible person!
18. I want to go back to school eventually. 
19. I'm not an avid reader and yet I love books.
20. I believe in God, but I sometimes feel that all life is connected in some spiritual form.
21. I like diet soda because it's not as heavy and syrupy as regular soda.  Love Diet Dr. Pepper.
22. I love the smell of popcorn and the taste.  I can eat a whole bag by myself.
23. I loved school.
24. I don’t use now, but have tried illegal drugs.
25. I don't smoke but have tried cigarettes.  Tried 'Magic' and clove type.
26. The smell of cigarette smoke makes me feel like I'm going to throw up now.
27. I love using my laptop – a laptop feels like freedom.
28. I usually feel very awkward around people. I still feel awkward around some of the people I’ve known for years.
29. I can’t stand inconsiderate drivers.
30. I love reading people’s 100 Things About Me lists.
31. I love to brush my teeth.  
32. I hate Oreo cookies because they taste burned and make my teeth black. Also hate black licorice for the same reason.
33. Someday I want to take a road trip across the country.
34. The first time I got drunk I was 15. My sister thought it would be okay if I drank with her.
35. I drink alcohol occasionally. I consider myself a social alcoholic.  
36. I’m not an alcoholic anymore thanks to my beloved. 
37. I have driven home drunk. I am thankful I was lucky and had no accidents that hurt someone else.  Just my poor car.
38. A lot of people in my family have major addiction issues.
39. I’m addicted to food… and we’re not talking about being addicted to fruits and veggies – it’s the bad stuff I crave.
40. I’m very intimidated by super intelligent people.
41. I was raised by wolves.  Just checking to see if you are paying attention.
42. I loved my blue Firebird.  It was just so ME!
43. I generally feel like I have no clue what's happening in the world even though I try to pay attention - sometimes it gets to be too much though.
44. When my husband died I wrote him a letter and put it in his casket. I'm afraid I didn't say everything that I needed to say.
45. Being around people generally wears me out.
46. I love television and I wish there were more good shows on.
47. I love my brothers and my sister.
48. I hate wearing shoes.
49. I’m pretty much a veggie-lover… I like the basics – green beans, lettuce, corn and potatoes. Brussell sprouts are gross.
50. I do love to cook.  I’m good at cooking, not so much with baking.
51. Most of the time I never actually prepare a menu.
52. My biggest mistake was bombing my first marriage.  I am still in love with my ex.
53. My ex knows I still love him, but he doesn't realize how much.
54. I love to fly and travel.
55. I have lived with depression a very long time.  (See # 13)
56. The most recurring dream I have is when I am with someone I love. Every time we get to the point of making love....I wake up.  Dammit!
57. I miss my father everyday.
58. I love my ****** *****.
59. I’m afraid of heights.
60. I like snow when I can just sit inside and look at it as opposed to having to go outside and be in it.
61. I have low self-esteem.
62. When I was younger my favorite movie was Mrs. Doubtfire – I watched it over and over and over.
63. When I was a kid I went to Sunday School and I loved learning the Beattitudes.
64. I like most tattoos. I want more tattoos!
65. I can very accurately be described as “a procrastinator”.
66. I feel very strongly that if I could draw, my life would be far easier
67. I have a “secret” word.
68. My best friend is my sister.
70. I love going to museums.  I like to go alone so I can savor them and not have to share my time while there.
71. My hair should be blonde.  I want to have more fun.
72. Thunderstorms excite me. We had special memories watching them from out front porch.
73. My first crush was on a teacher when I was in 7th grade. I used to try really hard to impress him. Unfortunately, I failed that English class.
74. The first time I had sex, I was ** years old.
75. I love my dog.  
76. It drives me crazy when people get a pet and then a couple months later give it to the humane society (or just take it out to the middle of nowhere and drop it off) for some stupid ass reason that really, they were just too lazy to deal with.
77. Fall is my favorite season.  The change of leaves reminds me of someone special.
78. I have always wanted to be a teacher. 
79. I used to love to write.  I have many notebooks with bits and pieces of creativity.
80. I used to eat fried bologna sandwiches with mustard and pickles on toast.
81. My favorite channel is TLC.
82. I love 
83. I have lived in 3 states, now trying the state of euphoria.
84. I hate moving!  It sucks to have to pack!
85. I have a secret desire draw.
86. I’m not so good with making a budget and sticking to it.
87. I don’t wear makeup as much as I used to.
88. I’ve  seen Rocky Horror Picture Show at the theatre and have it on DVD.  I can do the "Time Warp".
89. I find that I can barely leave the house without having a panic attack sometimes.
90. I used to despise doing dishes, now I hate dusting more.
91. I do not drink milk.
92. I love to dance.  I wanted to be a dancer (not erotic type)
93. I am at least one of the top procrastinators you will ever know.
94. I spend way too much money.
95. I’m definitely not a republican, but I don’t call myself a true democrat either.
96. It really pisses me off when people don’t respect my privacy. I just can’t stand the idea of people going through my things. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable. If I want to share something with you I will, otherwise stay out of my stuff! Is that really so difficult for people to understand?

98.   Love Hidden Object Games.  Waste way too much time playing.

99.   Like cats, but I am allergic.

100.  Putting this list together was actually a lot easier than I anticipated.a

a lot easier than I anticipated.

Envy??

It was hard to believe that someone actually admires my ability to write.
I never thought that there would be something about me that this one would envy. I have always been on the side of watching her and wishing that I could have even one small iota of what she is able to accomplish.
I have watched the way a simple needle and thread and a slight piece of fabric has become something from a world of wonder.  Pieces of fabric that were once worn by a beloved family member turned into a beautiful quilt, a wonderful costume or a memory bear made with love.
Thru my life, very time I have tried any type of craft, it has looked like something from a child.  My attempt at jewelry making took a bad turn.  Never the polished sophistication that she has brought to the table.


I have watched in adoration how each and every thing she has attempted has been met with success.
How can she envy me when I am the one that wishes I could emulate her in just a small way.
How can I tell her how much I Love Her and that she is my best friend.
My sister, my sister, my sister.